Tired of being tired

Lately I have been relating much more to the psalms. I used to think they were full of bombastic, hyperbolic expressions of regret, hatred, intolerance, etc. For example, the psalmist always talks about being attacked by "enemies." I used to take that literally and thought, "Come on, it can't be that bad. Shouldn't you just forgive and forget?" But when I thought about it a little more expansively, that enemies weren't just your obvious opponents, but could be your own demons, real demons, and anything that hindered you from following God, I began relating to the psalmist's constant struggle.

I also began to understand why he needed God's help to defeat them because of his own weakness and inability. I relate to that completely now. No matter how hard I try, there are just some habits that I cannot shake. My enemies win every time I do whatever is I ought not to. So just like the psalmist, I lament my own weakness, the constant assault by my enemies, and plead to him for help and support, and even wonder why that help seems not to come or insufficient.

Part of it also is that as I have aged and grown in my faith, I have begun to see evil more prominently in my personal life and in the world. I think God only allows this as your faith grows because without faith and hope in God, the realization of such overwhelming evil could easily lead to despair. In fact, I fight against despair quite often, though I rarely feel outmatched by it, thank God.

This world is indeed one of many sorrows and suffering, one of constant challenge and failure. I envy those who seem either above it all, oblivious to it, or at peace with it, but also realize, as did the psalmist, that there is a constant battle going on, one that is both spiritual and material, and in fact the spiritual element is really the only element to worry about it. The material fights are mere derivatives of the spiritual war.

God save us, God help us, God have mercy on us and on those who reject, ignore, and defile you.